House On Crack!
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: Exactly what the title says. House on crack! TOTAL HAMERON and WUDDY ahead!


Okay, so I was going through some of my stories, and I found this one. I started it with a friend, Bandgeek, about two years ago, and finished it with a little help from a good friend, The Confused One. There are hundreds of crackfics! in this fandom, and here's mine! Enjoy!

**WARNING: MAJOR CRACKFIC CRACKHEADEDNESS AHEAD!!**

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine!

MDMDMDMDMDMDMD

House grumbled as he limped into the boardroom and toward the coffee pot. Another day, another case, and more dealing with drooling idiots. He reached for the coffee pot, then growled when he realized it was empty. "What the hell?" he demanded, but Cameron was nowhere in sight.

Only the male ducklings were at the table, and he pointed his cane at Chase. "You! Koala boy!"

Chase turned, eyebrows raised. "What now, House? I'm doing my crossword puzzle!" Agitated, Chase looked down at the crossword. "5 letter word for sarcastic, snarky..."

"Me!" House volunteered. "Done. Now go get me some coffee, kangaroo boy!"

Chase grumbled. "Well...it fits..." he muttered as he filled in the blanks. "Right...coffee.." Sighing, he got up from the chair and went to get his boss some coffee. Right as Chase got to the door, Cuddy came in, banging the door on Chase.

"Whoa, Funbags! You break, you buy!"

"HOUSE!" Cuddy glowered, malice raging in her voice. "You just LEFT that patient there?! She's been waiting for 2 HOURS for you!"

He pretended to look puzzled. "Really? Well, I'll just get right on that." But he made no effort to move.

Chase hurriedly ran pat the angered Dean, Cuddy continued to walk forward. "House. I'm warning you." She spat each word out. "You still owe me eight clinic hours this week, and you have YET to do ANY!"

House looked at Foreman. "Does that sound like something I'd do?"

Foreman just shook his head and buried his nose in the book he was preoccupied with.

Wilson, while passing by the room, had heard Cuddy's voice, highly distraught. "Li-" Catching House's eye, said, "Dr. Cuddy...what happened?"

Cuddy turned to Wilson. "He," She shot a finger at House. "Has not done anything I've asked him too!"

Chase returned with the coffee and placed it in front of House.

House took the coffee and took a satisfied gulp. "Very good, Aussie. Now if you could only really make this yourself..."

"What-HEY!" Chase said, frustrated. "I boiled the water m'self this time!"

House started to snark, but Cameron appeared in the room. "Oh, thank God!" he shouted.

Cameron looked around. "Coffee issues again?"

Chase grumbled, highly affronted.

Cuddy glowered at House. "House. Patient. In exam room 1. NOW."

House rolled his eyes, then dragged his bad foot behind him in an impression of Igor. "Yes, massa..."

She watched him as he dragged his leg very, VERY slowly to the doorway. Wilson in one big motion stepped out of the way and opened the door for House.

House nodded at Wilson, then continued limping out of the boardroom

When he was gone, Cameron looked around. "Did I miss something?"

"Nope, just a normal day," Foreman answered.

Cuddy looked up at the ceiling, and turned to Wilson, who briefly squeezed her shoulder before sitting down next to Foreman and Chase. Cuddy, who looked at her watch stormed out, returning a moment later with a whole stack of files.

Foreman looked at the files in horror, then made a mad dash for the door.

Cuddy, talking to no one in particular, announced, "This is all of House's files on patients. He has to review each and every one of them before he had to go home at 5 today."

Cameron cleared her throat, but before she could say anything, something shiny caught her eye. "Ooh "

Cuddy, realizing that no one was listening to her, was getting irritated. Very quickly. Her eyes glowed with fire, and when she opened her mouth, House's prized white board was in ashes.

Cameron looked up from where she was crouched over a quarter.

Chase became absorbed with a strand of his hair that wouldn't stand in place.

Foreman became busy with his own hair (or lack thereof).

Wilson started to wonder how many more marriages he'd go through before settling down.

Finally Cameron broke the silence. "I uh...should go help House. Yeah, that's it!" Then she grabbed the quarter and skipped out of the room.

Wilson walked up to Cuddy, putting an arm around her waist. Cuddy turned, she relaxed slightly and smiled.

Foreman looked at Chase and shrugged.

Chase grinned. "Public displays of Affection? Niiiice."

"Nooooooooo..." Foreman hissed.

Chase, not getting the point, continued. "Oooh, the Dean of Medicine and a high ranking department head. Hey Foreman! Bets on House and Cameron!"

Cuddy and Wilson turned. Cuddy, furious and Wilson, slightly embarrassed.

Foreman had the sense to hide under the desk.

Cuddy slowly walked over, grabbing Chase's shirt. Chase, not fully aware that his life was inches away from ending replied, "Whoa, Dr. Cuddy. You like to play rough, yeah?"

Wilson prayed for the poor soul.

Cuddy's eyes narrowed. "Chase. I'm warning you. You're a pretty boy, but one more remark about Dr. Wilson and I and you're going to wish you had more hair."

Chase gulped. "M-my hair? You won't hear a peep outta me, Dr. Cuddy." Cuddy, thoroughly satisfied, released her grip of Chase. "Good boy."

Foreman couldn't resist. When Cuddy turned her back, he imitated Chase's high pitched voice. "Peep..."

Cuddy turned quickly and Chase put his hands up, shaking his head very quickly.

Foreman giggled under the desk.

Cuddy, her high heels clicking on the floor, came to where Foreman was. She crouched down and said smoothly. "Is something funny, Dr. Foreman?"

He froze, then slowly inched backwards.

"Dr. Foreman," she said, her lips smiling, but her eyes cold, "I asked you a question. I expect an answer. Or has Dr. House not been teaching manners, lately?"

Her eyes were hypnotic, but he broke the stare and ran out of the room screaming in horror.

Cuddy stood up, satisfied. "This is going smoothly. House is with a patient, and I've made Foreman scream like a little boy who has yet to reach puberty."

Foreman ran through the halls as he continued to scream. In one of the closets, House had his hand under Cameron's shirt, and she had her hand south of his belt. At the screams, she started and stared at the door. "What was that?"

"Foreman," he answered, distracted.

Wilson, who had been watching this spectacle, was laughing hard. He stopped however, when he felt Cuddy's hand on his cheek.

Chase, who watched this with eyes widened, was grinning. However, catching Cuddy's eye, he quickly stiffed it, and ran out the door.

Cuddy smiled. "There...now we have the place to ourselves." Wilson smiled. Cuddy sat on top of Wilson's lap and Wilson's hands were immediately on her back.

Chase who was just outside the door could hear the sounds of pure love being made. Chase sighed, he was depressed. House and Cameron were probably hidden somewhere and Foreman had probably gone off somewhere as well. All of a sudden, he spotted a young nurse. Chase smiled and swept back his hair. "Hey there."

The nurse rolled her eyes and threw her clipboard at his perfect head.

Muttering something under his breath he stalked off, determined to have some love his own.

Meanwhile, a group of old ladies entered the PPTH. Lead by Georgia, who kept on bragging that SHE got treated by THE Gregory House who looked so much like that Ashton Kutcher fellow.

Finally satisfied, House and Cameron stepped out of the closet. Adjusting her blouse and hair, she smirked at the hickey that marred his neck.

"Mine." she giggled, and he glared at her.

"I belong to no one, woman!" he declared. But as he did, an old voice began shrieking.

She gasped. "Dr. HOUSE! Yoo-hoo!"

House turned his head slowly, then hid behind Cameron. "Hide me, she who gives me pleasure!" he pleaded, and Cameron grabbed his cane and waved it menacingly at the flock of old women.

"Back!" she yelled, "Back!"

The old ladies were not deterred. "We traveled all this way to meet Dr, House. AND " added Georgia, winking at House, "My checkup. Don't you remember, Doctor?"

He shrieked in a high pitched voice and tried to shrink behind Cameron, who was getting angry.

"Get away!" she yelled, throwing a rotten tomato into the sea of wrinkled women.

"OH!" yelled Georgia. "Ladies! Purses up!" Using the purses as a shield they advanced, chanting. "Dr. House! Dr. House! Dr House!"  
Unable to hold them back any longer, Cameron threw House's shirt at the horde to distract them. Then she grabbed House and ran.

The advance stopped. There was a collective gasp from the old ladies and then there was a huge storm. Pulling, biting, shrieking ensued. Finally, Georgia came out as the victor. She held it up in the air. "Oh House! Your very name, will never leave this girl the same!" She sighed contentedly.

Cameron managed to drag House a safe distance away, then they ducked into an empty office. He collapsed onto the couch, while Cameron grabbed a chair and barred the door with it.

Meanwhile, Cuddy and Wilson came outside of the boardroom, hand in hand. Wilson grinning for all he was worth and Cuddy having a satisfied smirk on her lips.

Foreman had been wandering around the hospital, but when he saw Cuddy and Wilson, he clutched his eyes and fell to the ground, screaming. "My eyes! My eyes!" he wailed.

Cuddy blinked and looked over at Wilson who shrugged and bent down. "Foreman. You'll be alright. Just go to your happy place. With rabbits and rainbows...stuff like that," Wilson said soothingly.

Foreman paused, then slowly relaxed. "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens." he sang softly.

Wilson smiled, nodding. "Thatta boy, Foreman." He stood up, put his arms around Cuddy, and walked towards the front. Cuddy stopped dead. This place looked like a tornado hit it. And when it looks like this..."HOUSE!!!"

Wilson tried his best to calm Cuddy down. "Lisa," he muttered soothingly. "It may not have been House." She snorted. "As if."

Cuddy got to the intercom and taking a deep breath, announced. "Dr. Gregory House. Please come to Lisa Cuddy's office. Right this minute."

Cameron and House heard the announcement, but they were busy. He was laying on the couch, and Cameron was laying on top of him.

"This means nothing," he hissed, and she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that, buddy."

Cuddy was shaking audibly as she turned to Wilson. "James..."

He nodded, getting the message; he went off in search of the notorious Dr. House.

Chase meanwhile, had gotten used to the lounge room, watching the opening credits of General Hospital. He was looking forward to finding out if Heather had killed Anne Logan or if it was someone else. He didn't care that he was over thirty years behind. He was going to catch up somehow.  
Seeing Luke get shot again, Laura yelled his name. She fell to her knees beside him.

His eyes popped open. With exasperation, he looked at Laura. "Chill out! I'm OK! Who do you think you're dealing with here?" He finally looked directly into the camera. "And you chill out, too and get back to work!"

Laura nodded. She looked at the camera as well. "You have lives to save."

Chase's mouth fell open. "Who, me?"

Laura glared at him. "Yeah, you, Dr. Chase. Now go." She looked at Luke. "Honestly. You think he'd have something better to do." She got up and offered him her hand.

Foreman wandered into the lounge, still rubbing his eyes and humming. Seeing Chase, he plopped down beside the blond and stole the remote, then changed the channel.

Chase wearily turned to Foreman, "Hey! I was watchin that!".

Foreman stuck out his tongue and continued watching The Sound of Music.

Chase's jaw dropped. "You watch this stuff, Foreman?" Chase grinned. "So you have a softer side to ya, do you, mate?"

Foreman looked around, then grabbed a pillow and shoved it over Chase's face, looking around in paranoid fear.

Chase used the pillow to stop his joyous laughter.

"Die, monster!" Foreman screamed, holding the pillow there for a few more moments before walking away casually.

Chase, after being "suffocated" by a pillow, started laughing again. He couldn't help it. Foreman?! The SECOND House? Watching SOUND OF MUSIC? This was way too good. He smirked, sticking a lollypop in his mouth and sent a message on his pager to the team while changing it back to General Hospital.

Cameron was twirling House's cane in her hand, watching him sleep, when she heard the chanting. "Oh, God, no..."

Chase, happily sucking on his lollipop looked outside the window to see a bunch of old ladies arguing with each other. He arched his eyebrows at his spectacle.

One of the old ladies raised her head, then squealed happily, "It's Chase!"

"Chase! Yoo-hoo!" She squealed again, shuffling after him.

Chase lowered his head in prayer. "Dear whatever high spirit form is up there....HELP ME!"

She shuffled faster.

Chase, knowing his fate, made an attempt to smile. "Hello!" He managed to say weakly.

She shoved him against the wall and began ripping at his clothes with her pocket knife.

Chase's eyes widened as he mouthed the word, "Mommy..." Just then Wilson walked in.

The old woman wasn't deterred. She continued ripping at Chase's clothes.

Wilson, shocked for about 5 seconds, ran to help Chase, at which point, his coat, tie, shoes, socks, and shirt had been ripped off of him. Wilson grabbed the old lady's wrists and calmly pulled her off of Chase.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" she screamed, dropping her knife.

Wincing, he dragged her to the door, "I'm sorry ma'am. You'll have to leave."

She pulled a pie out of her coat, then shoved it into Wilson's face.

Wilson gasped. "PIE!" He loved pie.

Chase. realizing he was in immediate danger in losing all his clothes, ran past the woman as fast as possible, wearing noting but his underwear.  
"Chase! Wait!!" the old woman wailed, shuffling after Chase.

Chase, screaming for all he was worth, ran down the hallway. He reached a door and tried to open it. It was locked. Little did he know that that was House and Cameron's hiding spot.

"AUGHHH!" he wailed.

"Chase! Come her, dearie! I have peppermints!" The old woman called, waving a fistful of stale candies

Chase banged on the door, "Peppermints?! THEY BURNNNN!"

Being hard of hearing, the woman called, "More than one? Only if you come here!"

Wilson, who had ran out, after hearing Chase's cry, shouted to the old lady. "DR. HOUSE IS OVER THERE!"

She jerked her head up, "Dr House? Where?" she yelled, grinning toothlessly.

"WAAY over there. You see that black speck way out in the distance? That's him! And he's waiting just for you!"

She squealed and clapped her hands in delight, then began shuffling towards the dot. But when she passed Chase, she shoved the stale mints into his pretty little mouth. "There you go, dearie!"

Chase, gagging, crumbled to the floor. Wilson ran over, whacking his back. "S'alright Chase. Breathe buddy." He took off his coat and pulled it over the shivering doctor. Wilson looked up at the door Chase was technically trying to break down. He tried the door. Locked? It shouldn't be...Wilson knocked again. "Hello?"

Cameron heard the knock on the door, and she grabbed House and shoved him behind the couch. Then she snuck over to the door and unlocked it before diving behind the curtains.

Wilson tried the door again, this time, opening. He managed to grab Chase and drag him into the room, placing him on the couch.

Wilson sighed as helped Chase into his jacket.

House held his breath as he hid behind the couch, but the dust was tickling his nose.

Chase sniveled. "I h-h-hhate peppermints." he started bawling. Wilson, not that alarmed, patted Chase's back. "There, there. Let it out big boy."  
At the sound of Chase's wails, both Cameron and House gagged silently.

Wilson continued patting Chase until Chase started hiccupping. Wilson stood up and walked over to the light switch. The bulb was out so he headed towards the curtain to let in some light.

House could see Wilson headed toward Cameron, and he hoped she had the sense to scare him.

A hand appeared right beside Cameron's head, and she shrieked and jumped out form behind the curtain, grabbing Wilson and shaking him.

Wilson jumped, his heart beating rapidly. "D-Dr. Cameron?"

Chase hiccupped loudly.

Cameron giggled in joy, and House appeared from behind the couch.

Chase's eyes widened. "H-House? C-Cameron?"

House made ghosts noises at the frightened Aussie.

Chase's eyes widened and he shrieked and curled himself into a ball. "Mummy..."

Cameron giggled wildly and grabbed a pillow, then shoved over Chase's face.

Chase wildly knocked the pillow down and started rocking back and forth.

Cameron shot House and odd look, then reached out an took his head, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, let's get out of here," she muttered, and he followed her out of the room.

Cuddy, who had been waiting in her office for Wilson's return was mad with worry. She went on the intercom. This time, forgetting all formalities. "HOUSE WHEREVER THE HELL YOU ARE GET YOUR F(*&(& A$$ over here!" A lot of the other doctors and patients stopped to listen to this announcement in awe.

House looked around in fear, then screamed, "God, smite the evil witch!"

Cuddy raged around her office. Slamming her hand down on her desk

The whole hospital staff looked at House and Cameron.

Cameron glared at all of them and wrapped her arm around House possessively.

One intern was brave enough to venture out and whisper, "Erm, she-she's rather mad...why don't you just...go and talk with her?"

Cameron threw a rotten taco at her, then scooped House up in her arms and stormed down the hall in search of shelter.

The intern shrank back into the crowd.

Wilson groaned as he shakily got up. He looked around and saw Chase cowering in the corner. He figured that the poor kid might be scarred for life right about now.

Carrying House down the hall, Cameron finally spotted the one place no one would EVER think to look for them: an exam room! She grinned and shoved House inside, then darted in herself.

House climbed up onto the bed, while Cameron barred the door with a chair, then sat down and turned a T.V. on to reruns of some hospital sitcom.

Wilson staggered a long the hallway, his head spinning. He managed to arrive at Cuddy's office, sinking into one of her chairs. She immediately rushed in putting a hand to his forehead. "What happened, Jimmy?" Wilson just shook his head.

Cuddy kept prodding him. Finally, Wilson mumbled. "House. Is. A. Demon."

Cuddy kissed Wilson's forehead lightly and rubbed his shoulders.

She then went on the intercom and said quietly. "Dr. House, you have a new case waiting for you. Please come to Dr. Cuddy's office"

Cameron, who was sitting in the chair and playing with a Gameboy, looked around at Cuddy's disembodied voice. "Uh, no!" she snapped, staring at the game.

House just rolled his eyes and laid his head on the pillow.

After waiting for 10 minutes and no sign of House, she sighed and went back over to Wilson. "You figure you have a bit of spare time before you go treat your cancer patients?"

Wilson smiled slightly and nodded. "For you, I have all the time in the world."

Chase, being abandoned, was shaking audibly. He stood up shakily and was able to get down the hallway. However, he crashed and was knocked out

Wilson, who came out of Cuddy's office, refreshed, and slightly tousled tripped over an unconscious Chase. "What the..." He looked down. He frowned. "Ooops..." He dragged Chase and shoved him into an exam room, without another look.

Foreman wandered down the hall aimlessly, singing, "Do, a deer, a female deer..."

"Dr. Foreman!" an old woman's voice sang, and he shrank in horror.

An old woman with a walker began shuffling towards him, and he screamed, "Stay away from me, Grandma!" Then he ran down the hall.

The old woman huffed and slammed her walker down. "I will find you, Dr. Foreman," she vowed, applying her bright red lipstick against her dry lips.

Chase awoke to an "empty" exam room. "Mummy?" he whispered.

Cameron and House stared at Chase, then Cameron yelled, "Boo!"

Chase stumbled backwards. "AUGHHHHH!" he covered his face with his hands.

Exchanging secretive looks, House grabbed a bedsheet and covered himself with it. Then he approached Chase.

Chase peeked out a bit from between his hands.

"Wooooooooooooooooooooo!" House wailed, waving his hands.

Chase's eyes widened. He cringed. He stumbled and yanked opened the door and ran down the hall screaming bloody murder.

House pulled the bedsheet off and gave Cameron a high five.

Wilson saw Chase running down the hallway and stopped him. "Chase! What's wrong?"

Chase moaned. "I KNEW IT. GHOSTS ARE REALLLLLLLL!!!!"

Wilson's eyes widened. He dragged Chase back into the exam room to see House and Cameron laughing their heads off. "Uh-huh...."

Wilson shook Chase. "Dr. Chase. It's just Dr. House and Dr. Cameron being immature."

Wilson looked at House. "I believe Lis-...Dr. Cuddy called you multiple times.."

"Shouldn't you go and see what she wants before she pops a blood vein, House?"

House continued to ignore him.

"House..." Wilson knew how distressed Lisa was and was planning to get House to her no matter what. "Don't you think you've pushed enough buttons on her today?"

"No."

Wilson's usually calm demeanor was getting shaken by House's unresponsive, cold, short answers. "House! JUST GO TO THE DAMN OFFICE!" As soon as Wilson spoke, Chase giggled uncontrollably.

Cameron, who had been pushed around all day, shot fire from her eyes and burned Wilson's stomach. Then she screamed, "GET OUT!"

Wilson, grimacing crouched over, and grimaced. He went outside and slunk down on the ground.

She turned her eyes on Chase and hissed, "BOO!"

Chase, seeing Cameron's eyes red, was scared. "Ddd-demon." and ran.

When the door shut, Cameron blinked and smiled at House, then crawled into his lap and began purring.

Chase ran into Wilson who was bent over, clutching his stomach. He grabbed onto Wilson's leg and started bawling for all the world to hear.

Wilson moaned. "Chase! Shut up! Grab a nurse, tell them my stomach is about to crumble." Chase stopped and ran over to a nurse, pointing to Wilson.

The nurse hurried over and managed to half drag him back into the exam room. Wilson tried to say not to go in there, but wasn't able to.

When Cameron and House saw Wilson, Cameron hissed and shooed them all back out, then locked the door.

The nurse sighed and dragged Wilson to Cuddy's office, pulling Chase with her as well

Cuddy cried out in surprise at her lover. "Jimmy!" she cried, close to tears.

With her cool hands she placed a wet towel over his stomach for the time being, and gave Chase a tranquilizer.

Getting the information from Wilson, with heels clicking, she knocked on Exam room 1.

"House." She growled. "I know you're in there."

House raised his head, but Cameron grabbed him and kissed him again.

"Let's get outta here," she whispered as the door began to shake.

More afraid of Cuddy, he looked around. Spotting the window, he grabbed Cameron and jumped through it, landing safely on a bush.

She jumped to her feet and dragged him away from the hospital just before it exploded from Cuddy's rage!

House suddenly bolted upright, covered in sweat and panting. What the hell had that been? He glanced at Cameron's sleeping form, then at the empty bottle of pills laying on the floor.

"Never again," he groaned, laying back down and drawing Cameron into his arms. Never again...

The End!

A/N: Well, there it is. And like I said, this was written something like two or three years ago. So I'm seriously considering writing something that invovles the new ducklings. But that's another story, for another day. We hope everyone enjoyed this! HAMERON!!


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